Story Time: I'M ALIVE! (barely)

11:17 AM

By far the best question I've gotten from dedicated blog readers over the last couple months has been: "WHERE YOU BEEN AT??" My response: "ON TOUR GETTIN' MONEY." (Did you get the Drake reference there? Yes? No? *insert insane-looking smiley emoji here*)

First, thank you for your concern. I know it's been a while since I've posted. We are long overdue for a little update. At first, I thought I'd write this super emotional post about how hard the summer has been, all the struggles I've had, and all the health issues I've faced. I was going to talk about fighting the good fight, staying in the race even when you're tired, and how to have faith when all seems hopeless (and still is hopeless)...

But then I decided, nah, let's deflect with humor. I'm good at that! So here's the short story of my summer - the good, the bad & the ugly:

1) I graduated!! Woooo!!! Many thanks to my bff Ashley for coming to Chicago and being with me that week. You have NO idea how much I need some girl time. And she finally got to meet DeMico!! They hit it off immediately.

2) My skin disease had an intense flare-up (and is still flaring up). I don't want to take the medication for it though, because the side effects to me are worse than the actual flare up. While the healing process would be quicker, I'd spend probably about 3 weeks in bed. So instead, I'm waiting for it to clear up on its own. It's now been 4 months. Is it wise? Meh...idk!

3) I had to take out a major loan to pay for bills over the summer. Bummer! BUT it helped me get through some much harder times to come.

4) One bright, calm summer night at a local burger joint...I bit into a nice, juicy chesseburger and lo and behold, MY TOOTH FELL OUT. Like, literally, just popped out of my mouth. I haven't had a tooth fall out since I was like 5. I literally just sat there looking at the tooth for like 10 minutes while DeMico kept asking, "Are you okay? Are you okay? PAM! Are you okay?" I'm sure he thought I was about to lose my mind in the restaurant and was plotting an escape plan for us in case I needed to be carried out from a panic attack lol.

5) That led to the most impromptu, most insanely unplanned dental surgery EVER. Not to get into the specifics, but basically, my tooth fell out on a Monday. I was at the dentist on a Friday. I found out all of these major issues that needed immediate surgery, which was scheduled for the following Monday. I left the dental office in more pain than I was before. I was on emergency meds all weekend and POW, just like that, I was in surgery Monday morning.

6) RECOVERY WAS THE WORST. Like, seriously. It took me about 3 weeks to be able to move my jaw normally and another 2 weeks to be able to eat normally. Pain, pain, pain. Nausea. Headaches. All of it. Dental surgery is laaaame.

7) Because of all the jaw issues, I ended up only eating ice cream and cake (doctor's orders!) for 5 weeks. Needless to say, I gained 15 pounds.

8) Those headaches I mentioned turned into migraines real quick. So, I was having painfully, blinding, I-can-only-lay-in-bed-in-the-dark-to-make-it-go-away migraines. While recovering from surgery still. While only eating cake and ice cream. The best right?

9) On top of it all, I was dealing with a lot of personal issues with finances, family, and even leadership. Those were the things that I think gave me the most anxiety when I would try to sleep at night. I found myself lying awake for hours on end, no matter how tired I was, just worrying. That was probably the hardest part of the summer. Being sick and not having resources is probably the worst thing ever.


So, where am I now?

I recovered finally and got to a semi-normal place of health (I've lost 5 of those 15 lbs I gained). Started working out again and cut out all sweets from my diet (I miss you, cake and ice cream!). In terms of finances, I'm still on the struggle bus. I'm applying for jobs, I've had lots of interviews. But, I keep hearing the same thing: "You're brilliant, but you're not the right fit for this job." OR "You're brilliant, but I think you're overqualified for this position." And I'm like, ugggh brilliance is nothing without resource! LOL (but the kind of lol where you're dying on the inside actually). I still have a lot of anxiety, but I also still have faith. I don't know what September looks like for me and that scares me, honestly. I'd love to get to a place where faith outweighs anxiety and then anxiety goes away altogether. Either that or I'll quit and move to Santa Monica and beach bum it for the rest of my life. KIDDING (not kidding).

Seriously though, I wanted to write this blog post not only to give you a short update, but also to be vulnerable. It's scary to be transparent when you're in a season of waiting. But, I wanted to write about it because I feel like we often only share the good in our lives, you know? Like, we all go through trials, but then we only share when we're #WINNING on social media or blogs. We wait until we're out of the storm to talk about the rain because now we see the sun shining. I didn't want to wait until then. I'm still in the storm. Life is still hard. But while I'm not #winning right now, I know the One who always wins. And I trust in Him. But trusting is hard. When my comeback story is all set up, I'd love to share that with you too. In the mean time, this is where I am. It's been a hard summer. Your prayers are appreciated. And if you've had a hard summer, I'd love to hear about it and pray with you also.

Eventually, we'll all be #winning again together. I just know it!

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