Sinking Sand

11:43 AM

There's this great line of a gospel song by Fred Hammond that says, "When the world all around you is sinking sand, keep your praise always." I've always loved that song. And, at different times of my life, that quote has meant different things. This time around, I figured I would express what it means to me.

This summer was the worst case of sinking sand. The WORST. For reasons that I'd rather not get into, let's just say we had to pack up our entire house, I missed my family and friends in Arkansas a lot, and I found myself taking naps in random places (like my car or the movie theater) to get away from it all. I'll leave it at that. There's just something incredibly...unsettling about your home being inaccessible to you. You essentially have no place to go and unwind and be your complete, uninhibited self.

I got word that I'm going to have more work done on my house, which will require that I (once again) pack everything up. Luckily, I had the foresight to not unpack everything anyway, so it won't be so bad. But man, that moment...that moment hit me like a ton of bricks. Again? Everything is falling apart again? That's what I found myself saying. Yesterday, I had a song on my lips and a smile on my face and the worst thing I could think of was the stupid parking ticket I got that morning. Today, life got much more real. Living out of boxes and bags really sucks. It does. Especially when there's this sort of uncertainty that comes with it.

But, right when I started to feel defeated, I thought of the sinking sand. Then I remembered something that Pastor Audrey (at People Chicago) said to our team a couple weeks ago: "You have to speak out loud to the enemy, to those thoughts of doubt, to that fear and say NO. That's not what God has for me. That's not going to be my life." That really spoke to me.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about fear. What am I afraid of? Why? And why is it that when the world all around me becomes sinking sand, I'm not only afraid of the current situation, but also all of these other fears about purpose and what I'm meant to do with my life suddenly comes up? Pastor Chris (also at People) really convicted me in one of his recent messages when he said, "Stop sitting around, waiting for God to show you the "master plan" instead of going after what you know He has shown you and what you know you're made for." Hit me like a ton of bricks. That's soooo me. I'm that person who will sit around and say, "Well, God, if it's meant to be, you'll make it miraculously happen even though I'm sitting around doing nothing because I'm afraid." I know that sounds ridiculous, but seriously, how many of you are doing the exact same thing? Expecting God to move while you're standing still?

Fear has controlled a lot more of my life than I'd like to admit. But it's true. It's stopped me from trying things, even if it's something I feel that God has blessed me with. Fear has choked me and beaten me into submission many times. It's like, my entire life, I've been taught to shield who I am. To put a wall up around me and to never let anyone cross that wall and for me to not go over that wall. But lately...lately, I've been peeking over that wall. I've been noticing that it has windows and doors. And I'm looking on the other side of fear. And I want what's over there.

Today, I refuse to be defeated. I refuse to allow this house work to overwhelm me. God has been lifting the weight of fear off of my heart. Even through really small things. And big things, too, like leading worship at church. Now, yall know I've sang in many venues - quartet groups, musical theater, choirs, and I've even directed choirs - yet, a fear has crippled me over the last couple of years. A fear that somehow I just won't get it right, that my voice will crack, I'll say the wrong thing, my skirt will blow up in my face and reveal all my goodies (lol). Or I'll forget the words, forget the structure of the song, or I'll trip on my way up the stairs. Irrational, right? But, honestly, these are things I think about. And all of these things are possible, if I am working out of my own strength. But, I'm so grateful He covers my lack. Once I realized that worship is not about me, not about my strength, but it is an outward expression of who He is in me, man...all of that other stuff matters less. I had to give it all to Him this past Sunday when my vocal chords felt dry, my stomach had butterflies, and my mouth was clammy. When I made worship about Him instead of myself, He moved. And I'm so thankful.

Pastor Chris took this picture on Sunday. The words behind me really capture this moment for me:
"When my courage ends, let my heart find strength in Your presence." I absolutely love it!

Another great example of overcoming fear for me is posting a video on YouTube. Yall have no idea how terrified I have been to put my singing on social media. I'm not sure why, but the thought of sharing my voice sometimes makes me feel nauseous. I can't really explain it...but it's there. So, here is a brief clip of me singing. I hope you enjoy it.

In the meantime, while the world all around me is sinking sand and my house is being inspected again, I'm choosing victory. I'm choosing to keep the faith.

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    1. Junior, thank you so much! Couldn't do it without you :)

  2. Oh wow, I was captivated with your story by the first few words! Wow, what an amazing writer and songstress you are. Keep on believing in God's promises to you and peeking over the wall :) He is not done with you yet! I can not wait to see where all He takes you, but we both know it is somewhere great and where many before you have never gone before! Signed, Curious Cat.

    1. Aww Jasmine!! Thank you so much for your kind words! It means so much to me :)


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